Through the Valley to the Foot of the Cross

The more I look at the title of this blog, the more I realize that this journey is only partly about the kiddos. This journey is about living in and for the Lord. Which is something that I struggle with. The world definitely gets in my way.

I have not been a light to my kiddos. I have been a darkness-a dark and foreboding storm in their midst. I have not been a loving teacher even remotely enough-but rather a mediator and babysitter. WHY? Because my defenses are up and I am in fight or flight mode. As my last posting revealed, I am ready to flee. But while sitting drinking my coffee and conversing with God, He reminded me of two things: He would never leave me or forsake, He is more than enough for me, and He has given me what I need to serve Him and love Him well. Okay, that was maybe 3 things...

So what does all this mean? This means I am in a valley right now, and I need to reach into my bag of tools to figure out how to climb out. One thing I need to do is lay down my burden. At the foot of the cross I lay down my anger towards the lack of resources and supplies...At the foot of the cross I lay down my anger towards no help in the classroom....At the foot of the cross I lay down my anger regarding the lack of accountability...At the foot of the cross I lay down my anger towards the misbehaviors....At the foot of the cross I lay down my anger and disappointment in those in charge of running this school...At the foot of the cross I lay down my fear of being in the classroom with certain students....At the foot of the cross I lay down my words that can be so hurtful...At the foot of the cross I lay down my thoughts that definitely are not always the nicest...At the foot of the cross I lay down my selfishness....

At the foot of the cross this tired wretch leaves these things and weeps...slowly trudging her way up and out of the valley...

Ready Ready Ready...Ready to Run

Wow. I am mad. It doesn't make sense to sugar coat and hide things-but rather to just tell it like it is. I am BEYOND mad about everything related to my school and how it is/not run. I am so mad about this because THIS is what is hurting my kids and THIS is why we can't get anywhere/accomplish anything.

I feel like a failure. I am failing the kiddos and I am failing at being a teacher. I am failing because I do not have the support or the resources or the tools or...ANYTHING. I am failing because we, in the fifth grade, are left to our own devices. We are left in the annex all by ourselves, left to deal with the plethora of misbehavior, smart mouths, yelling, fighting, arguing, and flat out refusal to do as told.

I feel like a failure because my kids are not learning. The majority-that is to say nearly 90%- of the day is spent on redirection and misbehaviors. We were trying to pinpoint what it is that causes the most problems, and there were just too many to nail down for certain. I feel like I am failing these kids because they do not allow me to teach them-but rather talk over me, ignore me, refuse to do the work....

I feel like a failure because I am not recklessly loving these kids. In fact, I find it harder and harder and harder to even remotely like them as the days wear on. And I am mad that I feel that way. I have tried being kind, using "I" statements, having various discipline policies. I have tried being firm and strict and not letting any behaviors slide. I have tried to ignore certain behaviors as well, but nothing seems to work.

I start every day by lifting up the coming day and the inevitable events and problems up to the Lord. I pray over my attitude and my tongue. I pray for a hold to be on my tongue, so that I do not say anything that I will regret. Sadly though, this has not been working throughout the days. My ire is up in a matter of minutes and I work all day to bring it down. I can't do this anymore.

My heart is heavy every single day. I try and try and try and try...and for what? I am ready to just walk away. Friends, PLEASE pray.

Becoming REAL

While talking to complete strangers is not my cup of tea (complete introvert over here) I was blessed by stepping out of my comfort zone and putting myself out there. This last weekend I went to Slumber Party, a women's retreat at the church I am attending. It was AWESOME! I was able to meet amazing women of God, find out some kind of wacky connections I have with some people, and talk all about the struggles of walking and serving in faith.

I was bound and determined to simply say I was a teacher, when asked my profession this weekend. However, that never seemed to work. People wanted to know where and with what grade level and if I liked it and so on and so forth. Though I tried to give a brief synopsis, the ladies wanted more info. As I was telling about my school to one woman, it clicked in my head that I was completely seeking the Lord's will and following His calling. But, and this is the giantest BUT of all, but I haven't followed Him with my heart. Whoa and wow and dumbstruck by this profound realization. It was like my eyes were just finally opening. 

These last few days at school have been, well, challenging to say the least. I didn't want to go back to school after Tuesday. I didn't want to walk through those doors ever again. I came home and cried and seriously just yelled out to God. I just felt like I had once again made another GYNORMOUS mistake, just like last year's debacle (if you would like to know more about this story, just comment or something and I can share it with you). When I was offered this job I wanted, with all my might, to say "ummm...not so much." And I fought-HARD-against the Lord. I told Him I didn't want to do it, that I couldn't do it. But I felt, and still feel, certain that God said you are going-and you are going to do this right now. 

Dragging my feet, with dread and fear filling my entire being I began the year. Yeah...FYI, that is NOT the way to go into a school year. Every morning and afternoon and evening and bedtime I pray over my "angelic" charges and pray for strength and other more specific prayers. Every day I try to lay them down before the Lord, and there is a HUGE difference when I do this. So I go through the motions of following God and being obedient to His will. But I only just realized that my heart has not been being obedient to His calling. 

I am angry and tired and emotionally and physically drained from this job, and I think alot of it is because my heart is still in Fargo/Moorhead with my kiddos, and it is not in to doing this job. I say that I want to be in Him and with Him. Yet do I really mean this? Last night I realized that I was a great actress. I never pictured myself as being able to act, but boy buddy, I have been putting on a great show for you all. 

But now I want to be real. I don't want to be at this school. I don't want to be with these children. And why is that? Because I am living for me and not in Him. So how do I change my heart, that I will TRULY, for really reals, be seeking to do His calling? Prayer, listening, prayer, listening, oh and some prayer and...LISTENING too. Because of Slumber Party, and the women of faith and HOPE, I am coming to realize in order for there to be a change in the way things are going, I have to have a heart change and start being real. So...this is me, ending my acting career, and becoming REAL. 

30 Things Learned in 30 Days with the Children

Though it feels like an absolute eternity, I have only officially been at this school for just over a month. There have been so many challenges: fights, lack of curriculum, no supplies, no resources, a belittling assistant director, language barriers, and a lack of caring and effort from the children. But through all these things there have also been many lessons I have learned. Here are 30 tid bits I have gleaned from 30+ days at this school...
1. Teaching is an insanely hard profession

2. It is not necessary for you to be friends with the kiddos-nor for them to love you.

3. It IS necessary to love the kiddos-even if they are unlovable at times

4. Celebrate and reward even the smallest of things

5. Walking silently and in a line is a HUGE accomplishment for some students-PRAISE them for their efforts

6. Students are capable and able

7. Do not lower your expectations-though you may have to adjust them for the specific set of students

8. Fist fights do break out even in the younger grades-it is necessary to teach children early on  to use words not physical violence

9. Do not get mad-when you feel it coming on, walk away

10. There are some kiddos who like to irk you and see how far they can push you-don't give in

11. MODEL, MODEL, MODEL everything you want them to learn and do and understand

12. Try YOUR hardest and the kiddos will (hopefully) learn to do the same

13. Embrace the differences in beliefs and customs

14. Show kiddos you are truly interested in their backgrounds. They might begin to share...

15. Play games and make a game of every single topic

16. Reflect on each day

17. Begin each day with a clean slate-don't hold on to the crud that happened yesterday

18. The best thing to give the kiddos is your undivided attention

19. Show the kids they are special, valuable and important in your eyes

20. Teeny tiny prizes go a LONG way

21. There are some people who just do not know how to be quiet-don't get upset with this, but work on a plan to get the kiddos to NOT talk in class

22. Some people like to argue-give them the outlet to do so by providing writing time and then a chance to share their writing privately with you

23. Kiddos do NOT learn at the same pace and are NOT at the same level-so be...(gulp) patient

24. Do not give up on yourself or the kiddos

25. Your attitude plays a huge part in how the day goes

26. Try to ignore the small stuff (though does that it include a 5th grader gorilla-crawling, falling out of his desk, purposely making his body make inappropriate noises...??)

27. Sometimes you just have to be blunt

28. Prayer is powerful and moves mountains-God is working at school-I HAVE to believe that

29. I am not strong enough to do this alone-I can't do this alone-I am not without God's love

30. God has me at this school for a reason...and my heart is to be a light to not only my students, but my colleagues and the parents and administration as well.

Church and State-Combined...Really?!

I want to tell you everything I experience and everything I see in this class and school-but there is not enough time in the day to type everything out...as there is just so much going on.

The biggest and most glaring piece at this school is that these families are Muslim. That, in and of itself, is a gynormous challenge to deal with...and I didn't think, legally, that I would necessarily being seeing their religion taught and practiced in a public charter school.

I love my God. I worship him and I serve Him. I want nothing more to live for Him and be a shining example for those in my path. When I was wee and was attending public school, I held the same, albeit weaker, beliefs. I did not use my class time to get up, leave the class and pray. Rather I quietly talked to the Lord throughout the day, even during my lessons. What am I getting at? My colleague's homeroom students (therefore my students for 3 subjects during the day) are taking time out of the school day (a school day that is funded by the state) to leave the class and pray. And they refuse to do anything unless allowed to pray.

Muslims are not required to pray to Allah until they are 15. These children are 9, 10, and 11 years old. However, what are we dealing with? The children throwing temper tantrums over not being able to leave class to pray, because remarkably, prayer time always falls at the time that class period begins. The children then saying that we are being offensive and unsympathetic towards their beliefs because we don't want them to always be leaving our class whenever it is time to start a new subject.

Why am I telling you this and taking up space in cyber world to discuss this? Well, I was thinking, as Christians we are persecuted. We are told we are not allowed to spout off or share our beliefs when in certain public arenas-especially school-as there is to be a separation of Church and State. So then, why are others allowed to openly worship in public places? We are allowed to openly pray at a public school before hours and after hours as well-but we are not allowed to leave class to pray. It is such a grey area to me and it is a frustrating issue to some other staff members at my school, because they are ardent supporters of a definitive separation of Church and State.

So how do I deal with this? The students refusal to do the assigned work at the designated time is a blatant disregard for authority. Yet when they are sent out of the room because of their defiance, those in charge of the school allow them to go and pray before coming back to the room. What?! Not fair.

I am loving on these kids as best I am able. I am trying to do the Lord's work in a dark place. I am not sharing my beliefs (but I do have an exciting story about this I will try to compose in a later piece) and I am acknowledging the beliefs of my students. But should the school be allowing this? Should the school be promoting this, if the money that is keeping our school open is coming from the state? I would LOVE your thoughts, opinions, comments, whatever you got regarding this interesting issue...

My Own Little World

What if there’s a bigger picture

what if I’m missing out

What if there’s a greater purpose

I could be living right now

outside my own little world

Start breaking my heart for what breaks Yours

give me open hands and open doors

put Your light in my eyes and let me see

that my own little world is not about me

Sometimes lyrics from songs hit me right in my heart and I am bowled over by their significance. I never feel closer to God than when I am singing to the Lord, or listening to the hearts of different performers. The words above are from Matthew West's new song My Own Little World. I feel like "my own little world" is shattered and has been shattered for the Lord.

For so long it's been about me...what do I need to do to make my life better? Where do I need to live? What school should I apply to in order to learn the most and have the most support? What do I need to do in order to be happier? Seriously, I feel so self consumed and so self involved. And so ashamed. Over the last 18 months I have been praying to be used by the Lord. But if I dissect that prayer, I have selfishly been praying that my own little world would be fixed and I would once again feel safe and loved and not have to worry about all the junk that I had been dealing with for so long. My prayer WAS about serving the Lord, but it was about fixing me first. 

You know what is great about our Lord? He hears our prayers-even the parts that we don't say and don't admit to ourselves until we are sitting on a couch, sipping coffee on a beautiful Saturday nearly 18 months after having begun to constantly pray said prayer....

Everything that is happening now is to shatter and destroy my own little world and open my heart and mind to see the much bigger picture. God is amazing. And I am humbled and blessed to have God put his "light in my eyes and let me see that my own little world is not about me."

Let Go and Let God

I HAVE to believe that this is all part of God's perfect plan. I have to believe that God is in control of this entire situation. I have to believe that, otherwise I might go crazy. If this is experience is truly ordained by God, then that means there is a reason why I have to deal with so much garbage from my students. If God is in control then I have to believe He is trying to teach me through this experience...my question is, "What?".

I have been at my school since September 15-and it feels like I have been there for a million years. The days drag by (as the school day is from 7:00-3:00 and that is a ridiculous amount of time for kids to be at school). The days are FILLED to capacity with redirection, arguing, moving students from one spot in the room to another, having students talk over me and completely ignore me, as well as my actually having to yell. For those of you who know me, I am not a yeller...and it breaks my heart to yell at school. There is no way to get their attention. I have tried talking softly, I have tried being honest and open in conversation with them, I have tried signals to get their attention, and there is just no response. So I yell to have my voice heard over the constant conversation in the classroom...and that totally stinks.

I am battling evil in the school-and I don't say that lightly. My students have very hard hearts towards each other, myself, some of the other teachers, and [in some cases] their parents. I am on the home front of a battle between good and evil-and the evil is winning...BIG TIME. The students have no respect or regard for anyone else in the school-it is all about them and what they want. I had 6 different students today physically turn away from me as I was giving them directions. They looked right at me, heard my directions, and turned away and did what they wanted. I absolutely could not believe it. I had a student yell F-you to a 2nd grade student today, and a child blatantly disrespect me by smart mouthing me, talking back, smirking when he got in trouble and then tell me that his mom would believe him and not me (sadly that is true).

What am I learning through all of this? That is the question I am asking right now. How are these experiences making me a stronger teacher and a more reliant on the Lord? At this point I have to admit that I have not become stronger or more dependent. And as I sit here I realize that that is the lesson right now...I am not stronger/dependent because I am STILL holding on to have control. Repeat after me, "I AM NOT IN CONTROL." Seriously, why does it take the Lord beating me over the head before the message actually begins to penetrate my thick skull?  I am not in control of this experience, and I will not gain classroom control until I place it ALL in God's hands. I am trying so hard to be in charge of the classroom and this entire situation, that NOTHING is going the way it should-and it won't until I let it go and give it to God. At the end of the day we control nothing...it's all in God's hands. It's always been and will always be.

I have to let go and let God...

Trying...to even just like them a little bit.

How do I love them when they are so unlovable? How do you even like them when they are mean, rude, stealing from you (again) and ignoring absolutely every direction you give them? How do I teach them when they refuse to listen, sit in their desks, and turn off their mouths? How do I reach them? I feel like I am constantly going to be asking these questions and crying for the answers for the duration of the year.

They are just mean. To themselves, their parents, the other teachers, each others, and me. They won't listen and they think it is funny when they get in trouble. My struggle, and the struggle throughout the school staff, is what will get through to them? They need to learn from their behaviors and learn what is appropriate way to behave. But what is the appropriate consequence for these kiddos?

My colleague and I feel as though some of them are dealing with battle scars and have PTSD. How do you handle a CHILD who is overcoming a horrific past, when there is no actual support in the school to do such things? What avenues do you go through? There are 2 children in my class that have brown in their teeth-indicating they actually lived in refugee camps. And the behaviors of these children are out of this world. Nothing seems to matter to them and there are no appropriate consequences.

As a teacher I am wanting to like them and so wanting to love on them...but how? Any ideas out there? Anyone?

Change

I began this week with an awful and demeaning conversation with the assistant director at my school. She belittled me, talked to me as if I was a foolish child, and made me feel so small and insignificant. The funny thing is that before school that day I specifically prayed over her and the battles she was dealing with in her heart...

My heart has hurt every single day, as I have felt no respect, nor have I have been helped or supported in any way shape, manner, or form. Multiple times I came home defeated, in part because of the kids, but also because of the hatred in her voice and demeanor.

On Tuesday morning I laid our conversations and interactions before the Lord. I prayed over any words that would be spoken-that the Lord would hold my tongue and guide my words. I prayed over her heart and the anger she was dealing with. I just wanted to ignore the entire situation and focus on the kids as best as I could.

It is hard to teach in a school where a person can actually feel hatred in the atmosphere. It is hard to teach in an environment where there is no respect from the upper people-where it feels like a giant is always looming over you and will come stomping into the room, yelling at you in a booming and disrespectful voice. It is a seemingly impossibly task to work for a person who looks at you at the end of only a couple of days of teaching, saying you aren't working hard enough or putting in enough effort and that you have to earn the respect of the kids. It is ridiculously hard to do such a thing...and I admit that many times in the last 11 days I have wanted to walk away because of this. Yet, I am still there.

The assistant director was asked to leave yesterday-and the change in the entire school environment is truly unbelievable. When we were made aware of the fact that she would no longer be at the school I literally felt a huge weight lifted off my heart and my shoulders. I didn't realize I felt so threatened or stressed by her until the announcement was made and I felt so relieved. But with that relief comes guilt. I feel guilty that I feel so...happy. Today I didn't worry about going into the office. Today the teacher's actually stopped and said hello to each other in the hallway, instead of going directly into the classroom. Today no one told me I was doing a bad job. Today was a real change.

As the school adjusts to this new change, I pray that it will help the staff to become more united and more together on helping these kiddos. I pray that this change will improve the school and allow for growth among the staff and the students. But I also pray for this new change for her-a change that is devastating to the individual. I pray over her heart that is full of anger and venomous words towards so many people. I pray over her personal life and pray that through this experience she will learn the importance of treating others in a respectful and appropriate manner. And friends, I hope you will join me in prayer for this individual and the changes that are in store for the school as a whole.

Where you go, I'll go. Where you stay, I'll stay. When you move, I'll move. I will follow you...

It has been said that life is the opposite of easy, especially for followers of the Lord. Now I am not going to sit here and profess that I am the best and most diligent follower of the Lord. Nope. Not even close. But I will say that my heart yearns to live for Him and go wherever He is calling me to go. With that being said, right now I want to bury myself in a corner and not come out until these children have graduated high school (by then maybe, just maybe they will have learned a little bit of self control)

God likes to throw curves in the road and wrenches in our plans. My plan was to be teaching at a nice Christian school or a lovely and supportive suburban school, where I would be able to teach the kiddos and learn a great deal about curriculum and best practices at the same time. My plan was to move to the cities, find said job and start my masters. Something that has taken me a LONG time to realize and understand is that my plans 99.9% of the time are different from God's plan.

Instead of teaching in the aforementioned school setting, I am teaching in the hardest, most challenging, most draining, most daunting, most...(I am out of adjectives to describe the school) setting I could possibly have imagined. The children are the worst behaved students I have ever seen. They refuse to listen, pay attention, do what is asked of them. They have no respect for any of the classroom materials, anyone's belongings, and they think they have the right to take whatever they want (including my own personal items from my desk).  I look at them and I want to scream because of their behavior. And unfortunately I sometimes have to raise my voice SO much that it truly sounds like thunder from above.

But I look at these kids and I see neglect, and abandonment. I see disconnect between the parents and the kiddos. I see anger in their faces regarding their lack of understanding in a specific topic. I hear hatred in their voices that, if I am honest, is directed at the situations they are dealing with instead of a specific person. I see their coping mechanisms as being ones of physical fighting, shouting, swearing, and general disregard for the rules and expectations. And when I stand back and step away from the classroom, I hurt for them.

Friends. Please pray for these precious young ones. Though I vent my frustrations and share all the downs and hopefully soon "ups" of this experience, these kiddos need our prayers. They need prayers for peace and compassion in their words. Prayers for strength and wisdom to appropriately cope with all the different parts of life. Prayers for love for themselves and others to enter their hearts and minds.

Thank you for joining me in this amazing and ridiculously challenging journey and for praying with me and for me along the way.

My Heart Breaks

Break my heart Lord over what breaks yours.
As I think about these words, I think about my kiddos. My heart broke over each and every one of them the very first day I met them. I saw them and the way they behaved and I was angry. Then I heard some of their stories and I was broken hearted. These little kiddos have been through the worst of situations. And the only way they know how to deal with all the pain and trauma is to act.

My heart breaks over them...everyday.

Diving In and Going Deep

I pray the same prayer every time I pray in the day: "Lord. Guide my words, guard my words. Guide my every step. Guide and guard my heart, that I might be a blessing to you in everything I day and do." I have waited for His plan to be revealed to me.  I do not believe in coincidences and I believe the Lord guides us down paths that are not always easy but for a purpose. So...here goes.

I live just 1 mile from a school I never knew existed. It is a public charter school that is 100% minority students-all students are from East Africa and all are Muslim. It is a school that has been open since 2005/2006 and I interviewed there last Wednesday. The actual interview went great-I had thoughtfully composed answers, I was calm and collected and wasn't even that nervous. I have NEVER felt that way in an interview-not even with Park. And for the last week I haven't stopped thinking about Dugsi and about the opportunity to work with and learn from these kiddos in a 5th grade classroom-using some curriculum from schools I have worked with in the past. I was asked to go and have a trial run at the school (Monday, September 14) just to see how the classroom atmosphere was and if I would be able to handle it.

I went in to the classroom and was appalled by the behavior. It was unlike anything I had EVER seen in my life. The students were throwing things, hitting and pinching and tripping each other, breaking each other's things, threatening me and the other students and swearing. They refused to listen to the substitute who had NO control over the students and did not get ANYTHING done all day long.There is a new 5th grade teacher in the other class who started 2.5 weeks ago and this is her first year teaching. She hasn't given up and is giving it 3 months to see if the kiddos respond better and act more appropriately.  I almost left at 11:00 because they were so awful. But then I realized that is what they are used to...this group has run off 4 teachers in the last school year-2 this year and 2 last. Alright so lets put this in perspective: the kids are dealing with abandonment issues like none other-some have seen their families murdered right in front of them-some have been taking from their parents to try and start a new life in the US. All have been left behind by their teachers because they got better offers at schools that are much less intense.

My heart broke for these kids and as I was sitting there going insane from the chaos/disorder I started picturing my classroom and what it would look like and how I would try and engage the kiddos. I started thinking about playing  games and asking them to decorate the absolute bare walls and having them work together to come up with class rules. Fast forward to now...and now it is like "really Lord? This is what you want me to do...?" all the time. I prayed over and over and over and over again and agonized over the decision which had to be made. I feel as though it was so challenging to make because I knew what the decision already was and I was just trying to run away from that truth. 

I went to class for the first time on Tuesday, September 15th, and while I was there I heard about all the other teachers in the class-all who were actively doing full time teaching and pursuing their masters. This gave me pause, because I felt like I had it too easy and that wasn't fair to the rest of the teachers. I know that that sounds insane-but it is true. During our 1 break I spoke with a teacher about my age who is currently teaching in a NE Minneapolis charter school. I told her about this opportunity and the children I was supposed to be working with. I told her about my concerns regarding behavior, discipline, respect, and whatnot, and asked for insight into such an environment. Though she told me it was impossibly hard to work in that school setting, she also told me that it was a very rewarding experience and a great way to grow in my skills as a teacher.

I then spoke on the phone with one of my bestest buds in the whole world for 2 hours. When we first began speaking we were both on the same page-this is too hard. But as we were speaking about the kids and their backgrounds, as we were crying together over the challenges and the battles inside and outside of the school, as we were discussing ways to handle these challenges, we both came to realize that the decision had already been made and that I needed to fight for these kiddos and love on them and support them and be in their corner (that was the longest and most poorly constructed sentence ever...sorry. lolol)

With all that being said, I went to school on Wednesday September 16th, and though I was supposed to observe that day and the rest of the week, it ended up being my first day of school. I was left to my own devices and left to learn how to wrangle these children. It was a very rough couple of days-and there was a huge part of me that wanted to run away and never look back. They were awful awful awful children. When people ask me how my day was I say it was ridiculously challenging and draining. But I also say where there was success. And though these children are mean and cruel and disrespectful and defiant and disobedient, there have already been signs of improvement. The kiddos are able to sit and participate in a lesson (no longer than 20 minutes-but hey!!!!). They also are receptive to the positive reinforcement and like earning points. They are able to line up and stand in a line for about 2 minutes the correct way (which before was a screaming pile of bodies the entire time). They sit and pay attention when we are in a circle on the floor (again-attention span of like 3 minutes-but still progress) and the stopped calling me Watermelon and are now calling me Miss Mel or Miss Melanie (they don't use/really have last names in the Somali culture...weird).

So even though I have no voice and I am exhausted beyond belief (we have to BE at school at 7 AM) I feel as though I am truly following His will. I feel like I have been called to this specific time and place for a specific reason. He wants to send me...and though I am terrified and hesitant to, I will follow.