Ready Ready Ready...Ready to Run

Wow. I am mad. It doesn't make sense to sugar coat and hide things-but rather to just tell it like it is. I am BEYOND mad about everything related to my school and how it is/not run. I am so mad about this because THIS is what is hurting my kids and THIS is why we can't get anywhere/accomplish anything.

I feel like a failure. I am failing the kiddos and I am failing at being a teacher. I am failing because I do not have the support or the resources or the tools or...ANYTHING. I am failing because we, in the fifth grade, are left to our own devices. We are left in the annex all by ourselves, left to deal with the plethora of misbehavior, smart mouths, yelling, fighting, arguing, and flat out refusal to do as told.

I feel like a failure because my kids are not learning. The majority-that is to say nearly 90%- of the day is spent on redirection and misbehaviors. We were trying to pinpoint what it is that causes the most problems, and there were just too many to nail down for certain. I feel like I am failing these kids because they do not allow me to teach them-but rather talk over me, ignore me, refuse to do the work....

I feel like a failure because I am not recklessly loving these kids. In fact, I find it harder and harder and harder to even remotely like them as the days wear on. And I am mad that I feel that way. I have tried being kind, using "I" statements, having various discipline policies. I have tried being firm and strict and not letting any behaviors slide. I have tried to ignore certain behaviors as well, but nothing seems to work.

I start every day by lifting up the coming day and the inevitable events and problems up to the Lord. I pray over my attitude and my tongue. I pray for a hold to be on my tongue, so that I do not say anything that I will regret. Sadly though, this has not been working throughout the days. My ire is up in a matter of minutes and I work all day to bring it down. I can't do this anymore.

My heart is heavy every single day. I try and try and try and try...and for what? I am ready to just walk away. Friends, PLEASE pray.