Let Go and Let God

I HAVE to believe that this is all part of God's perfect plan. I have to believe that God is in control of this entire situation. I have to believe that, otherwise I might go crazy. If this is experience is truly ordained by God, then that means there is a reason why I have to deal with so much garbage from my students. If God is in control then I have to believe He is trying to teach me through this experience...my question is, "What?".

I have been at my school since September 15-and it feels like I have been there for a million years. The days drag by (as the school day is from 7:00-3:00 and that is a ridiculous amount of time for kids to be at school). The days are FILLED to capacity with redirection, arguing, moving students from one spot in the room to another, having students talk over me and completely ignore me, as well as my actually having to yell. For those of you who know me, I am not a yeller...and it breaks my heart to yell at school. There is no way to get their attention. I have tried talking softly, I have tried being honest and open in conversation with them, I have tried signals to get their attention, and there is just no response. So I yell to have my voice heard over the constant conversation in the classroom...and that totally stinks.

I am battling evil in the school-and I don't say that lightly. My students have very hard hearts towards each other, myself, some of the other teachers, and [in some cases] their parents. I am on the home front of a battle between good and evil-and the evil is winning...BIG TIME. The students have no respect or regard for anyone else in the school-it is all about them and what they want. I had 6 different students today physically turn away from me as I was giving them directions. They looked right at me, heard my directions, and turned away and did what they wanted. I absolutely could not believe it. I had a student yell F-you to a 2nd grade student today, and a child blatantly disrespect me by smart mouthing me, talking back, smirking when he got in trouble and then tell me that his mom would believe him and not me (sadly that is true).

What am I learning through all of this? That is the question I am asking right now. How are these experiences making me a stronger teacher and a more reliant on the Lord? At this point I have to admit that I have not become stronger or more dependent. And as I sit here I realize that that is the lesson right now...I am not stronger/dependent because I am STILL holding on to have control. Repeat after me, "I AM NOT IN CONTROL." Seriously, why does it take the Lord beating me over the head before the message actually begins to penetrate my thick skull?  I am not in control of this experience, and I will not gain classroom control until I place it ALL in God's hands. I am trying so hard to be in charge of the classroom and this entire situation, that NOTHING is going the way it should-and it won't until I let it go and give it to God. At the end of the day we control nothing...it's all in God's hands. It's always been and will always be.

I have to let go and let God...