Through the Valley to the Foot of the Cross

The more I look at the title of this blog, the more I realize that this journey is only partly about the kiddos. This journey is about living in and for the Lord. Which is something that I struggle with. The world definitely gets in my way.

I have not been a light to my kiddos. I have been a darkness-a dark and foreboding storm in their midst. I have not been a loving teacher even remotely enough-but rather a mediator and babysitter. WHY? Because my defenses are up and I am in fight or flight mode. As my last posting revealed, I am ready to flee. But while sitting drinking my coffee and conversing with God, He reminded me of two things: He would never leave me or forsake, He is more than enough for me, and He has given me what I need to serve Him and love Him well. Okay, that was maybe 3 things...

So what does all this mean? This means I am in a valley right now, and I need to reach into my bag of tools to figure out how to climb out. One thing I need to do is lay down my burden. At the foot of the cross I lay down my anger towards the lack of resources and supplies...At the foot of the cross I lay down my anger towards no help in the classroom....At the foot of the cross I lay down my anger regarding the lack of accountability...At the foot of the cross I lay down my anger towards the misbehaviors....At the foot of the cross I lay down my anger and disappointment in those in charge of running this school...At the foot of the cross I lay down my fear of being in the classroom with certain students....At the foot of the cross I lay down my words that can be so hurtful...At the foot of the cross I lay down my thoughts that definitely are not always the nicest...At the foot of the cross I lay down my selfishness....

At the foot of the cross this tired wretch leaves these things and weeps...slowly trudging her way up and out of the valley...

Ready Ready Ready...Ready to Run

Wow. I am mad. It doesn't make sense to sugar coat and hide things-but rather to just tell it like it is. I am BEYOND mad about everything related to my school and how it is/not run. I am so mad about this because THIS is what is hurting my kids and THIS is why we can't get anywhere/accomplish anything.

I feel like a failure. I am failing the kiddos and I am failing at being a teacher. I am failing because I do not have the support or the resources or the tools or...ANYTHING. I am failing because we, in the fifth grade, are left to our own devices. We are left in the annex all by ourselves, left to deal with the plethora of misbehavior, smart mouths, yelling, fighting, arguing, and flat out refusal to do as told.

I feel like a failure because my kids are not learning. The majority-that is to say nearly 90%- of the day is spent on redirection and misbehaviors. We were trying to pinpoint what it is that causes the most problems, and there were just too many to nail down for certain. I feel like I am failing these kids because they do not allow me to teach them-but rather talk over me, ignore me, refuse to do the work....

I feel like a failure because I am not recklessly loving these kids. In fact, I find it harder and harder and harder to even remotely like them as the days wear on. And I am mad that I feel that way. I have tried being kind, using "I" statements, having various discipline policies. I have tried being firm and strict and not letting any behaviors slide. I have tried to ignore certain behaviors as well, but nothing seems to work.

I start every day by lifting up the coming day and the inevitable events and problems up to the Lord. I pray over my attitude and my tongue. I pray for a hold to be on my tongue, so that I do not say anything that I will regret. Sadly though, this has not been working throughout the days. My ire is up in a matter of minutes and I work all day to bring it down. I can't do this anymore.

My heart is heavy every single day. I try and try and try and try...and for what? I am ready to just walk away. Friends, PLEASE pray.