Becoming REAL

While talking to complete strangers is not my cup of tea (complete introvert over here) I was blessed by stepping out of my comfort zone and putting myself out there. This last weekend I went to Slumber Party, a women's retreat at the church I am attending. It was AWESOME! I was able to meet amazing women of God, find out some kind of wacky connections I have with some people, and talk all about the struggles of walking and serving in faith.

I was bound and determined to simply say I was a teacher, when asked my profession this weekend. However, that never seemed to work. People wanted to know where and with what grade level and if I liked it and so on and so forth. Though I tried to give a brief synopsis, the ladies wanted more info. As I was telling about my school to one woman, it clicked in my head that I was completely seeking the Lord's will and following His calling. But, and this is the giantest BUT of all, but I haven't followed Him with my heart. Whoa and wow and dumbstruck by this profound realization. It was like my eyes were just finally opening. 

These last few days at school have been, well, challenging to say the least. I didn't want to go back to school after Tuesday. I didn't want to walk through those doors ever again. I came home and cried and seriously just yelled out to God. I just felt like I had once again made another GYNORMOUS mistake, just like last year's debacle (if you would like to know more about this story, just comment or something and I can share it with you). When I was offered this job I wanted, with all my might, to say "ummm...not so much." And I fought-HARD-against the Lord. I told Him I didn't want to do it, that I couldn't do it. But I felt, and still feel, certain that God said you are going-and you are going to do this right now. 

Dragging my feet, with dread and fear filling my entire being I began the year. Yeah...FYI, that is NOT the way to go into a school year. Every morning and afternoon and evening and bedtime I pray over my "angelic" charges and pray for strength and other more specific prayers. Every day I try to lay them down before the Lord, and there is a HUGE difference when I do this. So I go through the motions of following God and being obedient to His will. But I only just realized that my heart has not been being obedient to His calling. 

I am angry and tired and emotionally and physically drained from this job, and I think alot of it is because my heart is still in Fargo/Moorhead with my kiddos, and it is not in to doing this job. I say that I want to be in Him and with Him. Yet do I really mean this? Last night I realized that I was a great actress. I never pictured myself as being able to act, but boy buddy, I have been putting on a great show for you all. 

But now I want to be real. I don't want to be at this school. I don't want to be with these children. And why is that? Because I am living for me and not in Him. So how do I change my heart, that I will TRULY, for really reals, be seeking to do His calling? Prayer, listening, prayer, listening, oh and some prayer and...LISTENING too. Because of Slumber Party, and the women of faith and HOPE, I am coming to realize in order for there to be a change in the way things are going, I have to have a heart change and start being real. So...this is me, ending my acting career, and becoming REAL. 

30 Things Learned in 30 Days with the Children

Though it feels like an absolute eternity, I have only officially been at this school for just over a month. There have been so many challenges: fights, lack of curriculum, no supplies, no resources, a belittling assistant director, language barriers, and a lack of caring and effort from the children. But through all these things there have also been many lessons I have learned. Here are 30 tid bits I have gleaned from 30+ days at this school...
1. Teaching is an insanely hard profession

2. It is not necessary for you to be friends with the kiddos-nor for them to love you.

3. It IS necessary to love the kiddos-even if they are unlovable at times

4. Celebrate and reward even the smallest of things

5. Walking silently and in a line is a HUGE accomplishment for some students-PRAISE them for their efforts

6. Students are capable and able

7. Do not lower your expectations-though you may have to adjust them for the specific set of students

8. Fist fights do break out even in the younger grades-it is necessary to teach children early on  to use words not physical violence

9. Do not get mad-when you feel it coming on, walk away

10. There are some kiddos who like to irk you and see how far they can push you-don't give in

11. MODEL, MODEL, MODEL everything you want them to learn and do and understand

12. Try YOUR hardest and the kiddos will (hopefully) learn to do the same

13. Embrace the differences in beliefs and customs

14. Show kiddos you are truly interested in their backgrounds. They might begin to share...

15. Play games and make a game of every single topic

16. Reflect on each day

17. Begin each day with a clean slate-don't hold on to the crud that happened yesterday

18. The best thing to give the kiddos is your undivided attention

19. Show the kids they are special, valuable and important in your eyes

20. Teeny tiny prizes go a LONG way

21. There are some people who just do not know how to be quiet-don't get upset with this, but work on a plan to get the kiddos to NOT talk in class

22. Some people like to argue-give them the outlet to do so by providing writing time and then a chance to share their writing privately with you

23. Kiddos do NOT learn at the same pace and are NOT at the same level-so be...(gulp) patient

24. Do not give up on yourself or the kiddos

25. Your attitude plays a huge part in how the day goes

26. Try to ignore the small stuff (though does that it include a 5th grader gorilla-crawling, falling out of his desk, purposely making his body make inappropriate noises...??)

27. Sometimes you just have to be blunt

28. Prayer is powerful and moves mountains-God is working at school-I HAVE to believe that

29. I am not strong enough to do this alone-I can't do this alone-I am not without God's love

30. God has me at this school for a reason...and my heart is to be a light to not only my students, but my colleagues and the parents and administration as well.

Church and State-Combined...Really?!

I want to tell you everything I experience and everything I see in this class and school-but there is not enough time in the day to type everything out...as there is just so much going on.

The biggest and most glaring piece at this school is that these families are Muslim. That, in and of itself, is a gynormous challenge to deal with...and I didn't think, legally, that I would necessarily being seeing their religion taught and practiced in a public charter school.

I love my God. I worship him and I serve Him. I want nothing more to live for Him and be a shining example for those in my path. When I was wee and was attending public school, I held the same, albeit weaker, beliefs. I did not use my class time to get up, leave the class and pray. Rather I quietly talked to the Lord throughout the day, even during my lessons. What am I getting at? My colleague's homeroom students (therefore my students for 3 subjects during the day) are taking time out of the school day (a school day that is funded by the state) to leave the class and pray. And they refuse to do anything unless allowed to pray.

Muslims are not required to pray to Allah until they are 15. These children are 9, 10, and 11 years old. However, what are we dealing with? The children throwing temper tantrums over not being able to leave class to pray, because remarkably, prayer time always falls at the time that class period begins. The children then saying that we are being offensive and unsympathetic towards their beliefs because we don't want them to always be leaving our class whenever it is time to start a new subject.

Why am I telling you this and taking up space in cyber world to discuss this? Well, I was thinking, as Christians we are persecuted. We are told we are not allowed to spout off or share our beliefs when in certain public arenas-especially school-as there is to be a separation of Church and State. So then, why are others allowed to openly worship in public places? We are allowed to openly pray at a public school before hours and after hours as well-but we are not allowed to leave class to pray. It is such a grey area to me and it is a frustrating issue to some other staff members at my school, because they are ardent supporters of a definitive separation of Church and State.

So how do I deal with this? The students refusal to do the assigned work at the designated time is a blatant disregard for authority. Yet when they are sent out of the room because of their defiance, those in charge of the school allow them to go and pray before coming back to the room. What?! Not fair.

I am loving on these kids as best I am able. I am trying to do the Lord's work in a dark place. I am not sharing my beliefs (but I do have an exciting story about this I will try to compose in a later piece) and I am acknowledging the beliefs of my students. But should the school be allowing this? Should the school be promoting this, if the money that is keeping our school open is coming from the state? I would LOVE your thoughts, opinions, comments, whatever you got regarding this interesting issue...

My Own Little World

What if there’s a bigger picture

what if I’m missing out

What if there’s a greater purpose

I could be living right now

outside my own little world

Start breaking my heart for what breaks Yours

give me open hands and open doors

put Your light in my eyes and let me see

that my own little world is not about me

Sometimes lyrics from songs hit me right in my heart and I am bowled over by their significance. I never feel closer to God than when I am singing to the Lord, or listening to the hearts of different performers. The words above are from Matthew West's new song My Own Little World. I feel like "my own little world" is shattered and has been shattered for the Lord.

For so long it's been about me...what do I need to do to make my life better? Where do I need to live? What school should I apply to in order to learn the most and have the most support? What do I need to do in order to be happier? Seriously, I feel so self consumed and so self involved. And so ashamed. Over the last 18 months I have been praying to be used by the Lord. But if I dissect that prayer, I have selfishly been praying that my own little world would be fixed and I would once again feel safe and loved and not have to worry about all the junk that I had been dealing with for so long. My prayer WAS about serving the Lord, but it was about fixing me first. 

You know what is great about our Lord? He hears our prayers-even the parts that we don't say and don't admit to ourselves until we are sitting on a couch, sipping coffee on a beautiful Saturday nearly 18 months after having begun to constantly pray said prayer....

Everything that is happening now is to shatter and destroy my own little world and open my heart and mind to see the much bigger picture. God is amazing. And I am humbled and blessed to have God put his "light in my eyes and let me see that my own little world is not about me."

Let Go and Let God

I HAVE to believe that this is all part of God's perfect plan. I have to believe that God is in control of this entire situation. I have to believe that, otherwise I might go crazy. If this is experience is truly ordained by God, then that means there is a reason why I have to deal with so much garbage from my students. If God is in control then I have to believe He is trying to teach me through this experience...my question is, "What?".

I have been at my school since September 15-and it feels like I have been there for a million years. The days drag by (as the school day is from 7:00-3:00 and that is a ridiculous amount of time for kids to be at school). The days are FILLED to capacity with redirection, arguing, moving students from one spot in the room to another, having students talk over me and completely ignore me, as well as my actually having to yell. For those of you who know me, I am not a yeller...and it breaks my heart to yell at school. There is no way to get their attention. I have tried talking softly, I have tried being honest and open in conversation with them, I have tried signals to get their attention, and there is just no response. So I yell to have my voice heard over the constant conversation in the classroom...and that totally stinks.

I am battling evil in the school-and I don't say that lightly. My students have very hard hearts towards each other, myself, some of the other teachers, and [in some cases] their parents. I am on the home front of a battle between good and evil-and the evil is winning...BIG TIME. The students have no respect or regard for anyone else in the school-it is all about them and what they want. I had 6 different students today physically turn away from me as I was giving them directions. They looked right at me, heard my directions, and turned away and did what they wanted. I absolutely could not believe it. I had a student yell F-you to a 2nd grade student today, and a child blatantly disrespect me by smart mouthing me, talking back, smirking when he got in trouble and then tell me that his mom would believe him and not me (sadly that is true).

What am I learning through all of this? That is the question I am asking right now. How are these experiences making me a stronger teacher and a more reliant on the Lord? At this point I have to admit that I have not become stronger or more dependent. And as I sit here I realize that that is the lesson right now...I am not stronger/dependent because I am STILL holding on to have control. Repeat after me, "I AM NOT IN CONTROL." Seriously, why does it take the Lord beating me over the head before the message actually begins to penetrate my thick skull?  I am not in control of this experience, and I will not gain classroom control until I place it ALL in God's hands. I am trying so hard to be in charge of the classroom and this entire situation, that NOTHING is going the way it should-and it won't until I let it go and give it to God. At the end of the day we control nothing...it's all in God's hands. It's always been and will always be.

I have to let go and let God...

Trying...to even just like them a little bit.

How do I love them when they are so unlovable? How do you even like them when they are mean, rude, stealing from you (again) and ignoring absolutely every direction you give them? How do I teach them when they refuse to listen, sit in their desks, and turn off their mouths? How do I reach them? I feel like I am constantly going to be asking these questions and crying for the answers for the duration of the year.

They are just mean. To themselves, their parents, the other teachers, each others, and me. They won't listen and they think it is funny when they get in trouble. My struggle, and the struggle throughout the school staff, is what will get through to them? They need to learn from their behaviors and learn what is appropriate way to behave. But what is the appropriate consequence for these kiddos?

My colleague and I feel as though some of them are dealing with battle scars and have PTSD. How do you handle a CHILD who is overcoming a horrific past, when there is no actual support in the school to do such things? What avenues do you go through? There are 2 children in my class that have brown in their teeth-indicating they actually lived in refugee camps. And the behaviors of these children are out of this world. Nothing seems to matter to them and there are no appropriate consequences.

As a teacher I am wanting to like them and so wanting to love on them...but how? Any ideas out there? Anyone?