I began this week with an awful and demeaning conversation with the assistant director at my school. She belittled me, talked to me as if I was a foolish child, and made me feel so small and insignificant. The funny thing is that before school that day I specifically prayed over her and the battles she was dealing with in her heart...
My heart has hurt every single day, as I have felt no respect, nor have I have been helped or supported in any way shape, manner, or form. Multiple times I came home defeated, in part because of the kids, but also because of the hatred in her voice and demeanor.
On Tuesday morning I laid our conversations and interactions before the Lord. I prayed over any words that would be spoken-that the Lord would hold my tongue and guide my words. I prayed over her heart and the anger she was dealing with. I just wanted to ignore the entire situation and focus on the kids as best as I could.
It is hard to teach in a school where a person can actually feel hatred in the atmosphere. It is hard to teach in an environment where there is no respect from the upper people-where it feels like a giant is always looming over you and will come stomping into the room, yelling at you in a booming and disrespectful voice. It is a seemingly impossibly task to work for a person who looks at you at the end of only a couple of days of teaching, saying you aren't working hard enough or putting in enough effort and that you have to earn the respect of the kids. It is ridiculously hard to do such a thing...and I admit that many times in the last 11 days I have wanted to walk away because of this. Yet, I am still there.
The assistant director was asked to leave yesterday-and the change in the entire school environment is truly unbelievable. When we were made aware of the fact that she would no longer be at the school I literally felt a huge weight lifted off my heart and my shoulders. I didn't realize I felt so threatened or stressed by her until the announcement was made and I felt so relieved. But with that relief comes guilt. I feel guilty that I feel so...happy. Today I didn't worry about going into the office. Today the teacher's actually stopped and said hello to each other in the hallway, instead of going directly into the classroom. Today no one told me I was doing a bad job. Today was a real change.
As the school adjusts to this new change, I pray that it will help the staff to become more united and more together on helping these kiddos. I pray that this change will improve the school and allow for growth among the staff and the students. But I also pray for this new change for her-a change that is devastating to the individual. I pray over her heart that is full of anger and venomous words towards so many people. I pray over her personal life and pray that through this experience she will learn the importance of treating others in a respectful and appropriate manner. And friends, I hope you will join me in prayer for this individual and the changes that are in store for the school as a whole.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Where you go, I'll go. Where you stay, I'll stay. When you move, I'll move. I will follow you...
It has been said that life is the opposite of easy, especially for followers of the Lord. Now I am not going to sit here and profess that I am the best and most diligent follower of the Lord. Nope. Not even close. But I will say that my heart yearns to live for Him and go wherever He is calling me to go. With that being said, right now I want to bury myself in a corner and not come out until these children have graduated high school (by then maybe, just maybe they will have learned a little bit of self control)
God likes to throw curves in the road and wrenches in our plans. My plan was to be teaching at a nice Christian school or a lovely and supportive suburban school, where I would be able to teach the kiddos and learn a great deal about curriculum and best practices at the same time. My plan was to move to the cities, find said job and start my masters. Something that has taken me a LONG time to realize and understand is that my plans 99.9% of the time are different from God's plan.
Instead of teaching in the aforementioned school setting, I am teaching in the hardest, most challenging, most draining, most daunting, most...(I am out of adjectives to describe the school) setting I could possibly have imagined. The children are the worst behaved students I have ever seen. They refuse to listen, pay attention, do what is asked of them. They have no respect for any of the classroom materials, anyone's belongings, and they think they have the right to take whatever they want (including my own personal items from my desk). I look at them and I want to scream because of their behavior. And unfortunately I sometimes have to raise my voice SO much that it truly sounds like thunder from above.
But I look at these kids and I see neglect, and abandonment. I see disconnect between the parents and the kiddos. I see anger in their faces regarding their lack of understanding in a specific topic. I hear hatred in their voices that, if I am honest, is directed at the situations they are dealing with instead of a specific person. I see their coping mechanisms as being ones of physical fighting, shouting, swearing, and general disregard for the rules and expectations. And when I stand back and step away from the classroom, I hurt for them.
Friends. Please pray for these precious young ones. Though I vent my frustrations and share all the downs and hopefully soon "ups" of this experience, these kiddos need our prayers. They need prayers for peace and compassion in their words. Prayers for strength and wisdom to appropriately cope with all the different parts of life. Prayers for love for themselves and others to enter their hearts and minds.
Thank you for joining me in this amazing and ridiculously challenging journey and for praying with me and for me along the way.
God likes to throw curves in the road and wrenches in our plans. My plan was to be teaching at a nice Christian school or a lovely and supportive suburban school, where I would be able to teach the kiddos and learn a great deal about curriculum and best practices at the same time. My plan was to move to the cities, find said job and start my masters. Something that has taken me a LONG time to realize and understand is that my plans 99.9% of the time are different from God's plan.
Instead of teaching in the aforementioned school setting, I am teaching in the hardest, most challenging, most draining, most daunting, most...(I am out of adjectives to describe the school) setting I could possibly have imagined. The children are the worst behaved students I have ever seen. They refuse to listen, pay attention, do what is asked of them. They have no respect for any of the classroom materials, anyone's belongings, and they think they have the right to take whatever they want (including my own personal items from my desk). I look at them and I want to scream because of their behavior. And unfortunately I sometimes have to raise my voice SO much that it truly sounds like thunder from above.
But I look at these kids and I see neglect, and abandonment. I see disconnect between the parents and the kiddos. I see anger in their faces regarding their lack of understanding in a specific topic. I hear hatred in their voices that, if I am honest, is directed at the situations they are dealing with instead of a specific person. I see their coping mechanisms as being ones of physical fighting, shouting, swearing, and general disregard for the rules and expectations. And when I stand back and step away from the classroom, I hurt for them.
Friends. Please pray for these precious young ones. Though I vent my frustrations and share all the downs and hopefully soon "ups" of this experience, these kiddos need our prayers. They need prayers for peace and compassion in their words. Prayers for strength and wisdom to appropriately cope with all the different parts of life. Prayers for love for themselves and others to enter their hearts and minds.
Thank you for joining me in this amazing and ridiculously challenging journey and for praying with me and for me along the way.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
My Heart Breaks
Break my heart Lord over what breaks yours.
As I think about these words, I think about my kiddos. My heart broke over each and every one of them the very first day I met them. I saw them and the way they behaved and I was angry. Then I heard some of their stories and I was broken hearted. These little kiddos have been through the worst of situations. And the only way they know how to deal with all the pain and trauma is to act.
My heart breaks over them...everyday.
As I think about these words, I think about my kiddos. My heart broke over each and every one of them the very first day I met them. I saw them and the way they behaved and I was angry. Then I heard some of their stories and I was broken hearted. These little kiddos have been through the worst of situations. And the only way they know how to deal with all the pain and trauma is to act.
My heart breaks over them...everyday.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Diving In and Going Deep
I pray the same prayer every time I pray in the day: "Lord. Guide my words, guard my words. Guide my every step. Guide and guard my heart, that I might be a blessing to you in everything I day and do." I have waited for His plan to be revealed to me. I do not believe in coincidences and I believe the Lord guides us down paths that are not always easy but for a purpose. So...here goes.
I went to class for the first time on Tuesday, September 15th, and while I was there I heard about all the other teachers in the class-all who were actively doing full time teaching and pursuing their masters. This gave me pause, because I felt like I had it too easy and that wasn't fair to the rest of the teachers. I know that that sounds insane-but it is true. During our 1 break I spoke with a teacher about my age who is currently teaching in a NE Minneapolis charter school. I told her about this opportunity and the children I was supposed to be working with. I told her about my concerns regarding behavior, discipline, respect, and whatnot, and asked for insight into such an environment. Though she told me it was impossibly hard to work in that school setting, she also told me that it was a very rewarding experience and a great way to grow in my skills as a teacher.
I then spoke on the phone with one of my bestest buds in the whole world for 2 hours. When we first began speaking we were both on the same page-this is too hard. But as we were speaking about the kids and their backgrounds, as we were crying together over the challenges and the battles inside and outside of the school, as we were discussing ways to handle these challenges, we both came to realize that the decision had already been made and that I needed to fight for these kiddos and love on them and support them and be in their corner (that was the longest and most poorly constructed sentence ever...sorry. lolol)
With all that being said, I went to school on Wednesday September 16th, and though I was supposed to observe that day and the rest of the week, it ended up being my first day of school. I was left to my own devices and left to learn how to wrangle these children. It was a very rough couple of days-and there was a huge part of me that wanted to run away and never look back. They were awful awful awful children. When people ask me how my day was I say it was ridiculously challenging and draining. But I also say where there was success. And though these children are mean and cruel and disrespectful and defiant and disobedient, there have already been signs of improvement. The kiddos are able to sit and participate in a lesson (no longer than 20 minutes-but hey!!!!). They also are receptive to the positive reinforcement and like earning points. They are able to line up and stand in a line for about 2 minutes the correct way (which before was a screaming pile of bodies the entire time). They sit and pay attention when we are in a circle on the floor (again-attention span of like 3 minutes-but still progress) and the stopped calling me Watermelon and are now calling me Miss Mel or Miss Melanie (they don't use/really have last names in the Somali culture...weird).
So even though I have no voice and I am exhausted beyond belief (we have to BE at school at 7 AM) I feel as though I am truly following His will. I feel like I have been called to this specific time and place for a specific reason. He wants to send me...and though I am terrified and hesitant to, I will follow.
I live just 1 mile from a school I never knew existed. It is a public charter school that is 100% minority students-all students are from East Africa and all are Muslim. It is a school that has been open since 2005/2006 and I interviewed there last Wednesday. The actual interview went great-I had thoughtfully composed answers, I was calm and collected and wasn't even that nervous. I have NEVER felt that way in an interview-not even with Park. And for the last week I haven't stopped thinking about Dugsi and about the opportunity to work with and learn from these kiddos in a 5th grade classroom-using some curriculum from schools I have worked with in the past. I was asked to go and have a trial run at the school (Monday, September 14) just to see how the classroom atmosphere was and if I would be able to handle it.
I went in to the classroom and was appalled by the behavior. It was unlike anything I had EVER seen in my life. The students were throwing things, hitting and pinching and tripping each other, breaking each other's things, threatening me and the other students and swearing. They refused to listen to the substitute who had NO control over the students and did not get ANYTHING done all day long.There is a new 5th grade teacher in the other class who started 2.5 weeks ago and this is her first year teaching. She hasn't given up and is giving it 3 months to see if the kiddos respond better and act more appropriately. I almost left at 11:00 because they were so awful. But then I realized that is what they are used to...this group has run off 4 teachers in the last school year-2 this year and 2 last. Alright so lets put this in perspective: the kids are dealing with abandonment issues like none other-some have seen their families murdered right in front of them-some have been taking from their parents to try and start a new life in the US. All have been left behind by their teachers because they got better offers at schools that are much less intense.
My heart broke for these kids and as I was sitting there going insane from the chaos/disorder I started picturing my classroom and what it would look like and how I would try and engage the kiddos. I started thinking about playing games and asking them to decorate the absolute bare walls and having them work together to come up with class rules. Fast forward to now...and now it is like "really Lord? This is what you want me to do...?" all the time. I prayed over and over and over and over again and agonized over the decision which had to be made. I feel as though it was so challenging to make because I knew what the decision already was and I was just trying to run away from that truth.
I went to class for the first time on Tuesday, September 15th, and while I was there I heard about all the other teachers in the class-all who were actively doing full time teaching and pursuing their masters. This gave me pause, because I felt like I had it too easy and that wasn't fair to the rest of the teachers. I know that that sounds insane-but it is true. During our 1 break I spoke with a teacher about my age who is currently teaching in a NE Minneapolis charter school. I told her about this opportunity and the children I was supposed to be working with. I told her about my concerns regarding behavior, discipline, respect, and whatnot, and asked for insight into such an environment. Though she told me it was impossibly hard to work in that school setting, she also told me that it was a very rewarding experience and a great way to grow in my skills as a teacher.
I then spoke on the phone with one of my bestest buds in the whole world for 2 hours. When we first began speaking we were both on the same page-this is too hard. But as we were speaking about the kids and their backgrounds, as we were crying together over the challenges and the battles inside and outside of the school, as we were discussing ways to handle these challenges, we both came to realize that the decision had already been made and that I needed to fight for these kiddos and love on them and support them and be in their corner (that was the longest and most poorly constructed sentence ever...sorry. lolol)
With all that being said, I went to school on Wednesday September 16th, and though I was supposed to observe that day and the rest of the week, it ended up being my first day of school. I was left to my own devices and left to learn how to wrangle these children. It was a very rough couple of days-and there was a huge part of me that wanted to run away and never look back. They were awful awful awful children. When people ask me how my day was I say it was ridiculously challenging and draining. But I also say where there was success. And though these children are mean and cruel and disrespectful and defiant and disobedient, there have already been signs of improvement. The kiddos are able to sit and participate in a lesson (no longer than 20 minutes-but hey!!!!). They also are receptive to the positive reinforcement and like earning points. They are able to line up and stand in a line for about 2 minutes the correct way (which before was a screaming pile of bodies the entire time). They sit and pay attention when we are in a circle on the floor (again-attention span of like 3 minutes-but still progress) and the stopped calling me Watermelon and are now calling me Miss Mel or Miss Melanie (they don't use/really have last names in the Somali culture...weird).
So even though I have no voice and I am exhausted beyond belief (we have to BE at school at 7 AM) I feel as though I am truly following His will. I feel like I have been called to this specific time and place for a specific reason. He wants to send me...and though I am terrified and hesitant to, I will follow.
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